tian leng...

tian leng...
shima is right!! i dunno how to carry on with ma life!!
i really dont know how to even make a step or take a step....
everything i do.. or everywhere i go.. i see you..
i remember you.. and i can even picture you...
sometimes when i think of you .. its like i can feel you...

i have seen every part.. every single part of you!!
i have seen when u are happy.. the smile,,
i have seen when you are sad... when you cried on my shoulders...
i have seen you when you were high.. drinking so much!!
i have seen you when u are angry!!
i have seen you bare- bodied!! always asking whether your body nice or not???
look like arnold or not??
nice 6 packs or not??
i have seen you sick like hell...
i have seen you shy
i have seen you so nervous ....
and to add to my list ...
i have seen you..... lying still... so still....
bleeding every single part of your body...
seen you looking so different...
not like the macho guy or leng chai i know....
lying so still... so motionless... not like usual... always moving.. up and down...
i saw the hours you were crashing... when u were not stable...
i saw when they inserted the tube into your airway!
i saw when they were touching like every other patient... moving you .. turning you...
i saw how many lines and how many infusions you had,.
i saw the amount of blood transfused..
i saw the wound of your surgery... your 6 pack was gone!!!
i felt how acidic your body was....
but u still smelt the same!!
i kissed u... when u were warm.... and now even when u were stiff and cold!!
i saw the last few mins of your life when you took your last breath..
i was there to see your heart stop slowly.....
i was there to see all your fluids... coming out of your mouth... when u left us...
i was there when the nurses cleaned you up...
i helped you wear your sweater,,,,
i helped you tie your shoe lace...


the list can go on....

tian leng....
i confess... i am not doing to good now... without you in my life...
i have lost the directions to a happy life!
i just need my little compass ...
or a bright light shining so brightly from heaven... to guide me
or an angel who loves me... to protect me...
tian leng... i wonder why you?? not me...
cause.. if its me... pd would not have changed...
your frenz will have you...
your family will have you...
your genting frenz... will be happy again...
kwek will be funny again...
plakas will shuffle like mad like in malacca
wai seng will still have a brother... and partner in crime
they will have you and you have them...
and my departure wouldnt be sad.. or heart breaking....
things would be fine....

why??? why you my dear tian leng..... why.....