The Feeling That Was Lost

Life itself is like a cocoon.

It takes you a lot of "push" in life till you get beautiful results,

Problem is it all still comes to an end one day.

I heard of a sad news of which one of a guy from my high school passes away and he was only 20 years old. I probably seen him before but, however i don't remember him though. RIP to him as I know that he is a great guy through his friends testimonials. Anyways, though i did not know him, yet when i received the news, i felt shocked, stunned, and my heart felt heavy. This feeling, "Is familiar" i said to myself. I felt this way before. It hit me that it is the exact feeling and emotions that i felt 2 1/2 years back in 2007. It is the feeling of losing someone you know and probably, very close to you.

I had not felt this way for a very long time since the day my friend, Sarah and Jin Swan prayed for me. But receiving such sudden news and all the scenarios - the FB comments on the deceased page, the FB page and event set up for him. Somehow relates to what i had gone through. It reminded me of that nostalgic feeling again. It is definitely NOT a feel good thing. Even though as friends only, it affects much, especially if it is your dearest friend that you share your inside out or even your undies with.

Yes, it is hard to accept at first and the day of the unfortunate incident is definitely going to remind of what has happened and is considered "the day not to be talked about". That feeling is unexplainable, it is easier to feel than to define, easier to understand than to recognize that emotion. Being caught up in life's circle, you sometimes tend to forget it. However, as the years go by, no doubt it will be reminded subconsciously from time to time.

It is a good feeling as it reminded me of you.

You will take time to think back of the smiles you shared,

The sorrows you cried over,

The stupidity you laughed through,

The hard-work you sowed together,

One of the greatest person in your life that you once had.

Why is it that we do not think of all these before, but,

We only start to acknowledge them when they are, not here anymore.

Hsieh June

Doaku Untuk Mu

Desir pasir di padang tandus segersang pemikiran hati terkisah ku di antara sahabat sejati. Ku cuba redakan relung hati bayangmu yang berlalu pergi terlukis di dalam kenangan. Bebas bermain di hatiku cerita tentang masa lalu cerita tentang kau dan aku kini tinggal hanya kenangan. Ku abadikan di dalam hatiku dan doaku untuk dirumu moga tenang disana. Terlalu cepat hari berlalu meninggal saban hari yang berlalu namun naluri tetap masih terkenang akan sahabat yang telah pergi berlalu. A friend is one of nicest things to have and one of nicest hings to be.walaupun kepergiaan sudah berlalu ia sukar untuk dilupakan kisah silam ketika berduka,gembira,sedih, dan marah. Segala memori yang terkisah tersimpan sebuah diari yang hanya menjadi ingatan masa silam. Walau kepergiaan hanya selama-lamanya namun segalanya masih teringat, moga aman bahgia disana..!

Ulangtahun lahir mu mendiang tian leng ku ucapkan agar rohmu sentiasa aman dan tenang. 1 Febuari adalah hari yang bermakna dan teristemewa buat sahabat ku mendiang tian leng ku doakan agar sentiasa dirahmati pada maha agung dan maha esa disana.

Setiap insan pasti merasa saat perpisahan terakhir di dunia yang fana ini.

Dari mohamad harris fasli bin ahmaD sri aman sarawak

Still Remember ...

still remember tis song ah nigga? - only gods know why- ' kid rock'. our favourite during form 2 wei... i can still remember clearly that u, allan n me will sit together in class n talk about tokyo express...abt how they ride the mountain bikes n do delivery...even tot abt making such business in kl back then...lol...those were the days man.

time flies by like how u drove...45 mins from midvalley to pd...juz to see ur beloved aprillia 125cc bike... 1 year has gone by...xmas is comin... still remember we used to join our church carroling?
house by house n even avillion wei... u n june june were singing solo when we reached ur hse... xmas party in our church...with our beloved pastor zadock then...now reverent zadock d wei...higher pangkat liao.. dono u still remember the camp we went in nube beach? where agent 00i was talkin abt pentium 5...lol...til today there's no pentium 5 wei...he talked cock...

still remember we used to cycle to the estate in kg paya ride to the highest hill to ride down...feels like downhill in ps2...tat's the closest we could get to it..but it was fun...n then we ride in the estate to go out at bagan pinang... u were so into bike till u got urself a trek mountain bike...a haro soft-tail mountain bike...and then the road bike tat cost almost 10 k...which u sold it off for 4.5 if im not wrong...with the carbon rims...sigh...in the end din get to buy ur aprillia. lol...sohai... bought n sold nokia 8310 2 times...then lost it...but u don really care abt all those...cuz u care more abt ppl.

all n all...ur a great fren... a great man...but sumtimes ffk quite alot...esp when it comes to conning me...u n rajiv like the best actors i've seen in real life. during ur anniversary tis year i din do anythin for u man...got no idea wat to do...u were the 1 tat's always full of ideas abt wat to do n all...miss lots biatch..miss u man...hope u'll have a wonderfull xmas n don 4get to sing sum carrols for us down here...with ur dragon-like voice...lol...c u when i c u ku tin lok a.k.a. khoo tian leng...

wws.

A Year Without Jack

Jack Khoo Tian Leng departed at the age of 21 last year on this very day. Jack was to me, one of the kindest, funniest guys you could ever meet. The news shocked me and hurt me terribly because Jack was my best friend outside my family.

It’s that time of the year when many of us reflect on the whole year’s events and make resolutions for the New Year. But it’s that time of the year when I think of Jack the most. As time passed, we grew and we wouldn’t get together as often as we used to. But time was never an obstacle. We would meet every weekend and pick up at the precise point in a conversation we had left off the week before. We discussed and shared everything from jobs, college, romance and hobbies. During the time following Jack’s death, there were many debates between myself and God over why he had to take such a person from my life. I do most certainly believe that death is part of life. Because of Jack, I’m reminded everyday how fragile life is and how important it is to appreciate my loved ones and those around me. It’s funny how when a loved one dies, some days you wake up and start your day as normal and when walking down the street it hits you that the person isn’t here anymore....... jack u will always be remembered,rest in peace JACK.......

Rajiv Loshan

Best Friends

If I didn't know better, I'd have thought he was gay. *lol* He has so many guy pictures in his phone. Usually ppl take group pictures, but in his phone, they are mostly individual profile shots.

Like a half naked picture of Wai Seng ...

Usually girls take picture of their boyfriends while driving...

or in the room....

A lot of pictures of Kwek.... I wonder why...

Memories of Gavin in his 'fitter' days... :P

.... and who is Cock Long?

Happy Anniversary

well, if our dearest tian leng/ khoo/ jack .... is still here.... today is a very special day...
today would be OUR 3rd Year anniversary together ( Tian leng and Prema).
i still remembered how we celebrated our previous anniversaries.

the first one was so romantic... but funny also...
it was our first anniversary night, he had something planned out... so he asked me to come over to his house in pd. i got ready wearing a nice black dress, and told my dad to send me to his house. once i reached i saw him wearing a long sleeve shirt and jeans, which was something so rare... i was so surprised. then he told me, darling... today im so happy, cause today is our first year of the first day we dated. i still remember the day we first kissed. i love you darling.... hugged me and kissed me...the joke of the day was when we were about to leave, his dad stopped him and asked him, son.... do u have enough??? meaning money. tian leng just smiled and turn all sweaty and flushed... his dad then gave him some money and told us to have fun and enjoy ourselves.. we both thanked him and left. then we drove off to el- cactus in his volvo.... when we arrived we chose a place and took our seats... then the waitress served us wine.. i was so shocked!!! he then said,.. i ordered wine and red wine was my choice cause u love it... i just feel like pampering you today... i was so happy i teared. then we had our dinner ... paid the bill.. then we went to the seaside and walked... then we headed home...

the second year... was a little bumpy at first, we had an argument and we totally did not speak at all to each other... for days... then it was 12th october and it was midnight... he called me... and said " happy anniversary darling, im sorry for hurting u so much.... i was wrong .... i do love you... sorry. shall we go to amirul's house for raya??? " i was so glad and we both went to amirul's house.... but the day was ruined when i had a bad gastric attack.... then we argued again... then the situation changed again... when we decided to go for karaoke in chearas.... we drank.. we got high, we hugged.. he dedicated songs after songs... we sang our lungs out ... i puked... and he did too on our way back to pd.
then in the room we made up and just slept off.....

this year,,, i guess nothing's gonna happen as he is not here with me.....
dearest darling, if you were here... im sure you will have something planned out... or is it my turn now?? well all i can do is to write in this blog and tell everyone ... wat we did... sweet memories,.... happy moments... and sharing our love... it was a special day indeed... i will always remember this date.... as this is the date where u came into my life and made it a whole lot better.!!!!

i love you, tian leng... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! muaxxz.....

prema rachel

Room Service

I was reading this junk in my mailbox and it freakin made me laugh like mad. I wanted to post this here because it reminded me of how Tian Leng would have reacted to this e-mail. I bet he'd have something funny to say to this, and to imagine him laughing out loud to this room service conversation or him mimmicking the staff. It really brought back the good old memories of crazy, happy times when he was around.

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand why I post this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review. This has been nominated for the best email of 2007:

Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'

Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'

RS: 'Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'

G: 'Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs.'

RS: 'Ow July den?'

G: 'What??'

RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'

G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.'

RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'

G: 'Crisp will be fine.'

RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'

G: 'What?'

RS:'An toes. July Sahn toes?'

G: 'I don't think so.'

RS: 'No? Judo wan sahn toes??'

G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.'

RS: 'Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?'

G: 'English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.'

RS: 'We bodder?'

G: 'No...just put the bodder on the side.'

RS: 'Wad! ?'

G: 'I mean butter...just put it on the side.'

RS: 'Copy?'

G: 'Excuse me?'

RS: 'Copy...tea...meel?'

G: 'Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.'

RS: 'One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy....rye??'

G: 'Whatever you say.'

RS: 'Tenjewberrymuds.'

G : 'You're very welcome.'

tian leng...

tian leng...
shima is right!! i dunno how to carry on with ma life!!
i really dont know how to even make a step or take a step....
everything i do.. or everywhere i go.. i see you..
i remember you.. and i can even picture you...
sometimes when i think of you .. its like i can feel you...

i have seen every part.. every single part of you!!
i have seen when u are happy.. the smile,,
i have seen when you are sad... when you cried on my shoulders...
i have seen you when you were high.. drinking so much!!
i have seen you when u are angry!!
i have seen you bare- bodied!! always asking whether your body nice or not???
look like arnold or not??
nice 6 packs or not??
i have seen you sick like hell...
i have seen you shy
i have seen you so nervous ....
and to add to my list ...
i have seen you..... lying still... so still....
bleeding every single part of your body...
seen you looking so different...
not like the macho guy or leng chai i know....
lying so still... so motionless... not like usual... always moving.. up and down...
i saw the hours you were crashing... when u were not stable...
i saw when they inserted the tube into your airway!
i saw when they were touching like every other patient... moving you .. turning you...
i saw how many lines and how many infusions you had,.
i saw the amount of blood transfused..
i saw the wound of your surgery... your 6 pack was gone!!!
i felt how acidic your body was....
but u still smelt the same!!
i kissed u... when u were warm.... and now even when u were stiff and cold!!
i saw the last few mins of your life when you took your last breath..
i was there to see your heart stop slowly.....
i was there to see all your fluids... coming out of your mouth... when u left us...
i was there when the nurses cleaned you up...
i helped you wear your sweater,,,,
i helped you tie your shoe lace...


the list can go on....

tian leng....
i confess... i am not doing to good now... without you in my life...
i have lost the directions to a happy life!
i just need my little compass ...
or a bright light shining so brightly from heaven... to guide me
or an angel who loves me... to protect me...
tian leng... i wonder why you?? not me...
cause.. if its me... pd would not have changed...
your frenz will have you...
your family will have you...
your genting frenz... will be happy again...
kwek will be funny again...
plakas will shuffle like mad like in malacca
wai seng will still have a brother... and partner in crime
they will have you and you have them...
and my departure wouldnt be sad.. or heart breaking....
things would be fine....

why??? why you my dear tian leng..... why.....

WHERE ARE YOU ?

Where are you?

Everytime, I read this blog dedicated for u, my eyes will surely turn red. No matter how many times I read it, its just like I cant believe it. It’s a blog for someone who is no longer with us. I miss having u sms-ing and ask me how am I doing..telling me that we have and we should meet up whenever u r down in Shah Alam or KL. Once, he was in Shah Alam, but I was back in PD. Aiyoh.

Tian leng, you were the one who always tell me that I deserve to be happy and I deserve a good man who can take a good care of me. Whenever I tell u bout the jerks around me, treating me like shit, u will always say ‘ what the F**K are u doing with this assholes? U don’t deserve to be treated like this la. Feel like beating them up la’. You always tell me that u’ll hook me up with this guy la, that guy la..he said it was some ‘good guy who can take care of u’. (as if I was THAT desprate, but I knew, he was caring for me and he wants me to get the best). Now tian leng, I have found some one who takes a good care of me, treat me good..i’ve always wanted u to meet him.. but both of us were busy..whenever I ask u ‘werayu?’ u’ll be at ur college. Well,we both we stuck with our studies. Now, u can never meet him, and ‘him’ can never dpt to see you and see y u r such a great friend of mine that I always to him about. Guess that u cant see how happy I am now..but my happiness has lessen since the day u were gone.

That morning, I woke up with an SMS from Charmaine, saying “ Shim, Tian leng has just past away”. I broke into tears as I was planning to visit u that every morning. I was too late. Wanted to visit u the day before, but I got no transport ( as usual). Talking bout transport, Tian Leng will never hesistate to fetch me up for some roti canai whenevr im back in PD. Eventhough, back then, I lived in Spring Hill, which was about 20-30minutes drive from PD town. But he always ask for an upah when he reaches my house – AIR MINERAL. Heh. Cute. At times, he doesn’t need to mention it, I just knew it. We always hang out just the two of us, talking bout life in college, relationships, movies, everything. He never complains bout how far my house was, just he usually complains bout the lacking of lamp post in my area. Heh,penakut juga this fella. J

I’m sorry that I didn’t visit u either at the hospital or during the memorial service. Had some difficulties back then, just cant get away with it. In some say, I was a bit glad that I didn’t go..because if I did went, I think I can never let those images of u laying down in a comma, seeing u in a coffin, that will just broke me down and killing me slowly inside. I’m a very emotional and weak person when come to these kind of things. I really respect PREMA for being such a strong person. If I were prema… I cant imagine.

Tian leng. I’m writing this with tears flowing out from my eyes. At times, I just cant believe that u are not here with us anymore. I would tell myself, that “Tian Leng study oversea, I cant be reached” just to make myself feel better. Yeah. ‘oversea’. It is soo over the sea, till no one can reach u. ~sigh~

I still have the photos of u, baring at my katil as if its urs. It was cute and agak lucah, the way u posed. J it makes me smile whenever I look at it. U always brings a smile on everyone’s face. Who doesn’t smile when they see ur face?

Tian Leng. My Andy Lau.

“ Engkau datang seperti cahaya.Cahaya yang menerangi kehidupan semua..”

• From the movie Ayat-Ayat Cinta

I miss that cahaya. I miss you.

Shima.

FRIENDS

It has been 5 months 18 hours n 7 minutes since u left us all behind. Im missin u dearly jack.
I've always regreted for not takin enough pictures of us together esp when we were on a trip. Now all u left me is juz memories tat will fade through time. I cant even remember ur voice anymore jack. How i wished I've all the videos n pictures of us doin stupid shit together so tat i can laugh back at how silly we were. I appreciate tat i was given a chance to know u and being 1 of ur best fren in ur life. I just hated it when I think back of the places we went and came back without a single piece of photo to look at. Maybe we were young and naive and don really care much about pictures but now i u'stand wat it's worth. Just wish tat i had more pictures of us to look back at our short and wonderful frenship.

After so long, I finally realize tat ur not 1 of us. Ur not normal human beings with normal mission in hand. Mayb...juz mayb ur an angel sent down to light up the life of others. No matter who ur with...u alwiz make them feel comfortable when ur around. There are something different about u. Ur best frens to many many people.
I've just finished readin all the testi u've got after ur gone. Y do we say the things we wana say when it's over? Y cant we say those things more often when they're still around us? When was the last time u tell sum 1 tat u care for them? esp frens. When was the last time u hear sum 1 tells u tat ur the best fren they ever had? or hav u ever recieve those compliments?

U were best frens to more than 30 people in ur life. whom of them do u consider ur best fren ever jack? guess i can never answer tat for u. During ur funeral..I was ur best fren cuz tat's wat they all been sayin cuz we were frens since primary. Yet does tat really count for u? To me...ur 1 of my many many best frens but ur rite there on top. Top of the list! Many has put u on the top of their list. Kwek...bala...dale...tai..

.feri...inder..ashwin...rajiv...galvin...allan...juz to name a few. U r the best fren for all of us n u alwiz know how to make us laugh. It's really amazing doesn't it? For a man who doesn't speak much in the public, can have so many best frens frm different background is something we need to learn from him.

Ur such a great fren and we were such a team together aren't we? Many accused we're gay cuz we were so close even ur gf jealous of us. Many have asked are we brothers cuz we're the brown chinese which u taught me tat it is called chigga.(indicatin chinese+nigga) We've learnt so much from each other. ur not only my fren...ur my bro. i know i never told u all these before...but u r the best fren i ever got. Thanks for being part of ur life. I'll live to tell the stories abt u.

I'll see u when im done here. Bless me from above. I'll update u every now and then Tian Long.

WWS

for all whom he loved and loved him...he is still with you

was jack's birthday ystdy. i nvr felt more sense of loss than i did ystdy thinking hw it would hv been if he was still around wit his best buddies organising some birthday party n me finding out about all de hillarious tactics dat they did once they were sloshed. i am away from home..so far away from where i wished i was on de 1st of Feb when the clock striked 12. i actually planned to drink for him but i fell sick a few hours earlier. it reminded me of when i went to the hospital to see him after the fall..i fell sick then n was stil recovering when i fell sick again the day before his birthday..i wanted so badly to be back home and to go to the beach..bt since i couldnt, i went to the lake near my housing area in

kampar and just thought of him dat nite..i felt the pain and i felt the loss..til today when i look at his pictures, read this blog or just think about him and all the ppl in his life who hold him so dear, i find myself thinking of how unreal it felt that he was gone..suddenly i feel so detached..like im living in a dream...cause living in that dream is much more better than to admit to myself that he really is gone..that he wont be cmg back..you see if i was dreaming, i would wake up sooner or later, n he'll still be there..and no one would be suffering inside n there wouldnt be any pain. he would be smiling that smile, n his jeep would drive me crazy n id stil want 2 kill his dogs..his sister wouldnt hv lost their brother, prema would stil be with the man she loves, wai seng and kwek wouldnt hv lost their brother, valentino fc would still hv their left winger, de 6 jahanam would hv remained de 6 jahanam..and we wouldnt hv lost a great soul, n i would stil make fun of him about all de nonsense he used to do while i was his neighbour...

moving on is still hard to do bt time does not seem to want to stop just for a little while..everything has change bt there is one thing we can do 4 him..n dat is to celebrate his life here on earth regardless of how short it was cause he has made such a great impact no matter hw small or big in de lives of everyone he has evr met...all i can say is dat let us live our lives as he did and make him proud..keep him in our hearts..let him live through us..n we shall keep his memory and his spirit alive..

happy birthday mr...i hope you had a kick ass party up there...we all miss you badly...oh and another thing..if you happen to bump into heath ledger up there, say hello to him for me k...take care of yourself mr..check in on the others from time to time...dun play to many pranks k...

it was wonderful being your schoolmate, neighbour and friend..thank you for all the memories..

caroline

I Miss You So.....

New year is around the corner.. But it had brought back fond memories of u.. A few years ago in sunshine bay i remembered Wai Seng organized a New Year Barbeque party and all of us went for it.. You came and picked me up I remember.. and u asked me if I wouldn't have come that night where would I be celebrating new year... that was so long ago.. and this time around thinking that u would not be celebrating it reli makes me feel so sad.. because u are no longer here.. There are only memories for me to live with now... memories of u....I reli wanna tell u that I miss u so muchh... my life has never been the same again... I am really happy to know u and to share some of the very fond memories with u... U will always remain in my heart for the rest of my life... peace out bro... miss you so muchhhhh...>.<

Chan Wy Yee

25

Tis no has alot of meanin...in mandarin as in betray...4 christians means xmas...today is the 25th day since he left...i dono is it only me o wat...but i miss him even more as days pass by. tis is the 1st time i lost sum1 close to me. sum 1 really close n i still cant accept the fact tat he really went 1st...still remember we used to talk abt whose gettin married 1st n i always says tat he'll b the 1st to get married. i oso hope tat i could b his best man on his weddin. guess tat dream will nv come true tis life time.we oso used to talk abt whose gonna go 1st n we joked at each other tat he better give me his bike n all if he really go. cant believe tat our joke turn into reality n i wish i had nv said those things.

Kinda regret tat i din spend enough time wif him b4 he went away. last time i chill wif him was in kl n i remember tat time he was actin kinda weird but all he said was he was kinda sick. 2 weeks after tat i saw him again but tis time around...he cant even say hi. to me tis festive season is de darkest in my life yet. cant even celebrate wif a proper happy mood. sigh... jack...i miss u. u were the only tat i talk to abt football cuz we share the same passion in it. the other nite i watched alone n i thought abt u. We used to text each other n talk abt football. how ronaldo scores n how Man U played or how Liverpool gonna survive tis match n all. Tat nite i juz sat down alone n misses his msges. Feel like talkin to sum1 but who to turn to. We used to argue tat his Liverpool is the best n i'll b sayin tat my Man U is the best. Still remember b4 tis season started...we talked abt how strong Man U n Liverpool gonna be after the transfer market cuz they brought in new n young promisin talents n i told him tat Man U gonna win again but he says don ever under estimate his fav Liverpool. He din even hav the chance to witness how his Liverpool went down in front of their own fans at Anfield.

Man...miss him very vey much. his innocent face after doin stupid things to u n make u laugh. U can nv get angry at him 4 too long cuz he'll do e'vythin to make u 4giv him in a flash wif his cheeky attitude. he'll make jokes n funny faces. he was there to advise me when i face a problem.

He brings e'vy1 together whenever he's back in pd. Now pd is so quiet since he left...i hardly hang out wif my frenz cuz no 1 is connectin us together. things juz change..whether u like it or not. I miss sittin in his car tat blast music to the laudest. he'll scream if he had to talk to u rather slowin down the music. he'll ask u out to go do sum sports wif him whenver he's around. he'll ask u out 4 a drink when he's hungry o bored. he'll ask u to join him 4 a ride if he's goin up to kl or s'ban. there's always a plan whenever he's there. Snooker at a n e. yamcha at A1. Drinkin session at Sunshine Bay or Corus pool side. Dota at lukut cc. stonin e'vywhere. juz get crazy wif him. knowin tat ur always around keeps me at peace. i don think i'll b seein u anytime soon cuz I'm gonna live my life to the fullest n go c u only when my time is up k. i wish to join u now but there are things to be done...4 myself n u. Pls come visit me whenever u feel like comin k. come into my dream n talk to me. I'll appreciate it. Thank u for givin me the opportunity of being a part of ur life jack. Miss u.

yseng.

A Birthday Without Him

Birthdays are suppose to be joyous,happy,full of excitement and fun ryte? well...it is going to be my birthday soon,i had great fun during my birthday for the past years but this year? well...i’m not so sure..it was suppose to be the best birthday ever..but turns out it aint the great as i thought it would be. To me celebrating this kinda occasions,it is important for me that i have my most important people in my life beside me..which is my Family and Friends..Having these people in my life and to celebrate my special day means alot to me.however this year is the total opposite from what i had expected...

Few months back,my sister,Tian Leng and i were on our way back from a dinner. It was just the three of us..when suddenly my sister said something about organising a birthday party for me. i was thrilled and excited since the last one i did was when i was standard 6. At first i hesitated on whether to have it or not cause if we were to do one,it means there are alot of work to be done and we don’t even have a maid to help us out. Plus,i dun want my family to be tired and exhausted just to do this party for me. Then my sister also said that she can also add this event into her portfolio..so i thought..ok..why not? She even ask me what is the theme colour that i want for the party. Tian Leng also agreed to help with this party. He even said

“oklah..i can bring along my friends also”

“its june june’s party nothing to do with your friends also wat” my sister joked.

Even for my 12th birthday he was there to help and he brought wai seng along also. so i wouldn’t mind if he brought his friends along. As long as all of us have fun ryte? when i was younger, i would occasionally ask him about my birthday and he always forget about it and i would force him to remember it!but when he’s elder he still forgets but sometimes he was only acting that he forgets but actually he do remembers. few years back..can’t remember when..it was my birthday..

“koh koh...its my birthday today where’s my present lah?”

“hah!what day is today? today your birthday meh? i thought its later somemore?”

“nolah!! 2day is 27th dec lah!”

“ya oh.. *grins*”

“so...where's my present?! Eh?Where you going?”

“upstairs bathe la..wanna go see my friends liao”

Then off he went on his bike to meet his friends. i remembered i even nearly cried that he said that he forgot my birthday and he didn’t even bought a present for me! then he came back in the evening..i was still kinda pissed and sad.he didn’t say anything to me also just sit on the chair watch tv. then he took something that looks like a box out of his pocket but he realised that he took out the wrong thing and quickly put it back in. i saw what he did and i asked him

“whats that?”

“nothinglah”

“tell me lah whats that? i know i saw something. take out,i wanna see!”

“haiya..that one for my gf wanlah.”

But i didn’t give up..i keep asking him and i could see him grinning. i tried to take it from him but he was too fast for me so he dashed upstairs, lock the room.well..that time still small girl..i just believed whatever he said. then by night,when i blowed th candles of the cake,he gave me that box..it was white,i opened it. it was a blue cross necklace..then only i realised that the box that he was holding just now was for me..i was so happy..hehe..practically went telling my friends that my brother gave me that necklace.

When he was younger and i was even younger,he sometimes would hit me. it was very painful and i would start crying nonstop and he would scold me asking me to stop crying. I was also very scared if he raised his voice. back during those times,i would think that he doesn’t love me..he hates me .As time passes by,we grow older i know that actually he does care about me. Tian Leng doesn’t like it when my dad says things that he doesn’t like to hear and sometimes he would get impatient and will sound annoyed but he still controls himself to not have a fight with my dad. Sometimes when my mom and sister lectures him,he might feel that its disturbing and would put on a blank face and turn a deaf ear but actually he does listens. sometimes,he will have fights with prema and would say things that are hurtful and break up but after sometime to settle down he would tell her that he loves her very much and patch things up. his friends are a big part of his life. he’s always to back up his friends if they are in any sort of trouble. Tian Leng is definitely NOT a self-centred person, he puts his family and friends in front of him.

Sometimes we might think that he doesn’t care or love us cause his actions doesn’t show us that he cares but sometimes his actions and words show us that he does care about us. actually deep down inside he always does. Its just that he doesn’t shows it. Now, He’s just like the wind..he’s around us, he’s looking upon us, his love is ther... we can’t see it...we just can feel it. He will always be a part of our lives, in every step of our lives he will be there for us...side by side...he will still carry each and everyone of us in his heart forever......

JunJune

My Guardian Angel

It has been like...wat..? 3 weeks? since you left us..it seems like the days pass by so slowly when you are not around.i miss those cackling laughter that u make..that cheeky smile and all those stupid yet funny jokes that u always make..its sounds so stupid that it makes everyone of us laugh.yeap..i really miss those times.

I also miss the times when you’d knock on my room door and ask me to open the door quickly as though there was something very important.. when I open the door,you would just barge in and then stand in front of my mirror.And i was like...

”err...don’t you have a mirror in your room?”

And you replied “your mirror bigger mah!”

And I would just smile at you...and then sometimes you will ask me questions like..

“eh, how ah this wan ok ah? I look better in this wan or just now that shirt?”

Sometimes I would give my opinion but sometimes before I could say anything you would say

“nolah,i think just now i wear that shirt better..this wan look damn gay ryte?”

And i would just agree and say yalor yalor..

There are many things that you do would make ppl laugh a Thousand miles..such as that crazy crazy and so-hai face that you make when you sing a song... your voice may not be as great as those of what you hear in American Idol and it also may go out of tune, but it definitely is the sweetest.

Since you left, your stuff such as the laptop is mine already.... I promise that I will take good care of it. So as your handphone and simcard. Mom say that she’ll still top up RM10 for you every month. Don’t worry cuz I will treasure it and keep it safe. There’s still the song Boston by Augustana in it. That time you really really love that song and you asked me whether i have it so i Bluetooth it to you. That time you were so blur.. I send to you already but you keep telling me that you check it already and haven’t receive it. I send again several times but your phone says cannot receive pulak. So you said... “oh,lidat ah..nevermind lorr..”

Mana tau when I was going through your phone. That song was inside there pulak. I told you and you were like.. “oh ya ahh??hehehe...oklor..”

This is a very peaceful and dream like song.You asked me whether i knew how to play that song on the piano anot..that time i said i dunno.then i asked my friend to teach and give me the chords.i finally got it right and i wanted to play it for you but i guessed i didn’t had the chance to do so.i also learned to play your favourite song during YF.”The Illusive Dream”.so everytime when i miss you or feel like talking to you i would play these songs.

That day i had a dream about you ler!!it wa the kinda dream that is kinda funny and weird to me la..it was like this..i was at this place(i dunno where also) with tables and long chairs..prema,wai seng were there and some of my friends were there also..after talkin to my friend i went to your table where prema and wai seng were there.after curi-ing something to eat from wais eng,you called me and walking away from the crowd.you looked serious and you whispered something to me.you were asking me about something..then when i told you the story,you realized that it was just a rumour spreaded by some gal.you got really angry and you yelled at her.telling her never ever say those kinda things bout me and simply spreading things that are not true.that gal got so palat dy so she just didn’t say anything and sat down there..

You looked very serious in my dreams,i got scared and i thought that you were gonna scold me.but instead you trusted me.i was very touched and happy when i woke up the next morning.cuz its like you are still here,doin your job as a great big bro, looking over your lil’ mui mui,its like you are watching my back,taking care of Me.

After that dream it felt to me like although your not here but you are my guardian angel,still and always protecting me.i thank you for all the love and care that you had given to me for no one can ever replace that brotherly love that you had given to me.

Jun Jun

Reminiscing Childhood Moments

Dearest Tian Leng

Even though you’ve been gone 15 days, the pain of losing you and seeing you lying on the hospital bed is still fresh in my mind. I have never ever felt as helpless in my life as I watched you lie on the hospital bed. I pleaded with God to show some pity and mercy and let you live but God, for His own reason, did not answer our prayers.

I remembered you, Hsieh May, Cici and I playing around grandfather’s hotel compartment in PD. The hotel was on a huge lot with loads of rooms to hide so, we used to play hide and seek, with you and Cici pairing together and Hsieh May and I another team. And we also spent some of our school holidays going up to Genting. Just the other day I was reminiscing on old times and I flicked through some of the pics taken during our holiday to Genting.

You have grown up from a cute little boy to a handsome, strapping young lad and even though we are grieving that the Lord has taken you away at such a tender age, I know that this is only a temporary separation and that God has always the best plans for us. So, even though, we all miss you very very much, by God’s grace, we will all meet again and this time, never to be separated.

Missing you

Rest in peace

With love

Nini and Cici

The Spirit Carries On...

“Do you notice that nice people alwiz die first?” Tian Leng asked me.

“I think how a person dies has to do with how he lived his life,” he said.

“But they don’t suffer. Maybe just for a short while-la. But they don’t suffer,” he continued.

“See, like Galvin’s father. Nice man wat. Dunno why so fast.”

“But those bad people ah…sure suffer damn long one. Or they live but cacat-ed u know….. I think God is fair.”

Sometimes this boy will just catch you off guard with deep conversations like this.

I know you're in a much better place now. At least, you didn’t suffer for long too. God has better plans for you. The Spirit carries on…. but you will always be remembered.

Love,

Hsieh May

P.S.: Thanks Kwek for this song.

AH PEK !!!

Ah Pek..wat if u din live by ur ego n called Inder to get the keys when he was downstairs..
wat if u din climb out of the window n wait 4 the keys?
wat if u din go 4 de event n went back to pd strait?

wat if u were sent to the private instead of the stupid HKL?

there's juz too many questions playin in my mind when i heard tat u finally went away on the coldest monday mornin of my life... y u left us? y u chose to b a hero n tried to climb? y din u call o msg o even walk down to get ur keys? y?

Too many questions to b answered frm u but u couldn't speak when we saw u lyin on the hospital bed bleedin non stop...

It was heart breakin news when i found out tat u were in critical condition from prema while we were playin dota tat nite... things will nv b the same with out u around.. but tat's juz the way it is.. till today im still thinkin tat u would juz msg me n ask me out 4 a drink o snooker o futsal..

u left in a tragic way where no 1 could've accept tat ur gone.. wat abt ur dreams of goin to work s flight attendent in emirates? wat abt goin overseas to further ur studies? we hardly meet 4 the past few weeks n u juz went with out even sayin bye. there's so much memories tat u left behind b it sweet o bitter.

the last shit we got into together was in seremban when ur tyres went flat near the hospital. we couldn't get it changed n we called e'vy1 tat we knew to help out but only kok siang came to rescue us tat nite at 3am. I 1st met u in standard 4 when u called urself bruce lee rite infront of me wif tat round face of urs.

ur still the ah pek to me. 1 n only. we grew up together through tis 11 years doin all the things tat can b done s frens...

I do remember tat we used to climb up to the highest floors of all the hotels in pd n take a look at the place we live from above. everywhere i go in pd hav different memories abt us. sum ppl even asked whether r we brothers cuz they said tat we kinda look alike. funny thing is tat good ppl always go b4 the bad 1s.

I'll be missing u my fren. u hav too many best frens n im proud to be 1 of them. i'll c u when i get there jack. tk care of urself nigga n don worry abt us here. i'll visit ur family whenever i can even though i've shifted to puchong n i'll live a better life. -to be continued-

ur pu boh seng.

Sesuatu yang tak Disangka

Sesuatu yang tak disangka sering kali mendatangi kita,
itukah suratan dalam kehidupan atau sekadar satu kebetulan....
kita asyik membicarakan persoalan hidup dan pilihan serta kejujuran semakin berkurang...
masih tiada bertemu jawapan......
walau kita dihadapkan dengan pelbagai pilihan.....
Mengapa sering terjadi pilihan tak menepati.....
hingga amat menakutkan menghadapi masa depan......
seolah telah terhapus sebuah kehidupan yang kudus.

Sesuatu yang tak disangka......seringkali bukan pilihan sendiri.
Namun diriku akur dengan kehendak illahi.
Sebelum kata-kata dipanjangkan,terlebih dahulu saya dan keluarga serta rakan-rakan(palace of the golden horses) mengucap takziah pada sekeluarga KHOO TIAN LENG.
Laut yang biru berombak dengan tenang..........
Sedih dihati tidak begitu tenang...
Hanya berserah pada illahi apa kehendaknya........
Pena kata-kata akan meneruskan penceritaan kisah jalan kehidupan KHOO TIAN LENG di palace of the golden horses......

Hari pertama melangkah ke palace of the golden horses (training) senyumannya lebar kerana tanda kegembiraan dapat menemui sahabat baru. Tidak pernah terjumpa akan senyuman KHOO TIAN LENG yang tidak kedekut memberi senyuman bila berjumpa. Senyumannya membuat hati seseorang itu tenang. Lokasi pertama yang dijejaki Khoo Tian Leng di tempat yang amat diminatinya ialah CAFEHOUSE CAROUSEL RESTAURANT. Itulah satu-satunya tempat yang dia suka dari outlet lain.Bila terasa bosan di outlet lain dia pasti akan bertandang ke Carousel Restaurant. Memang tak dapat dinafikan cafehouse carousel restaurant adalah satu-satunya tempat dia bergurau dan berperang dengan sahabat. Malah dia begitu amat friendly. Tak hairanlah dia begitu ramai sahabat. Sewaktu training di cafehouse (carousel), dia tak pernah megeluh malah dia lebih cergas apa kerja yang diberi. Malah dia tak pernah melawan kata-kata.

Banyak kenangan manis tak dapat dilupakan semasa bersama dengan Khoo Tian Leng. Khoo seorang yang menepati pada janjinya. Apa yang kita ajar secara automatik dia cepat menangkap. Ada sekali saya bertanyakan pada dia."how ur training?"jawapan yang di beri amat simple saja....."I like". Setiap kali datang tempat kerja (carousel restaurant)dia tak pernah lewat walaupun seminit. Bila tiba saja OFF DAY ,dia begitu amat gembira. Kadangkala bila tiba saja off day dia akan balik ke Port Dickson. Disitulah satu-satunya istananya kerana dapat bertemu dengan ayah,ibu dan adik tercinta. Khoo Tian Leng anak yang kedua yang lahir pada 1 Febuari 1986(seremban). Sewaktu training di palace of golden horses ,Khoo tian leng tinggal bersama kakaknya. Khoo Tian leng traning di cafehouse selama 2 bulan. Bila habis training di cafehouse, berat hati nak melepas,kerana dia seorang yang baik hati dan budi amat sukar kita tafsirkan. Seterusnya Khoo Tian Leng meneruskan training di kin ma (chinese restaurant), Room Service, Housekeeping dan Front Office.

Hari terakhir Khoo Tian Leng di palace af Golden Horses pada 14 Julai 2007. Pada tarikh tersebut juga adalah yang amat ditunggu-tunggu.Kerana tarikh itu tidak dapat dilupakan pada dirinya, kerana Khoo tian Leng ada berkata...Tarikh tersebut adalah hari ulangtahun lahir ibunya. Itulah kasih sayang anak yang tak pernah melupakan ibu tersayang. Sewaktu hari terakhir training di palace of golden horses, tiada kata apa-apa pun pada sesiapa. Kerana dia tak ingin sahabatnya sedih. Setelah habis training di palace of golden horses,Khoo Tian Leng juga ada berkata akan berkerja permanent di cafehouse setelah selesainya belajar di kolej Genting. Itulah janjinya.

Walaupun lama tak jumpa Khoo Tian Leng, hanya telefon bimbit menjadi perhubungan kerana susah untuk jumpa sahabat yang mengerti akan perasaan seseorang. Khoo Tian Leng bukan seorang yang melupakan sahabat. Malah dia bukan seorang yang sombong. Sewaktu di palace of golden horses, waktu time break di cafestaff, makanan kegemaran yang amat digemari nya adalah buah betik dan salad. Itulah menu paling digemarinya. SABAH adalah satu destinasi yang dinanti-nanti Khoo Tian Leng pada tahun depan 2008, kerana dia berhasrat akan ke sabah untuk mendaki gunung Kinabalu.

Keinginannya tidak kesampaian. Hati siapa yang tak pilu .......kerana Khoo Tian Leng seorang yang amat lasak dalam bersukan. Bermacam sukan yang digemarinya. Khoo Tian Leng seorang yang sihat dan cergas. Walaupun Khoo Tian Leng pergi begitu sahaja namun budi hati nya akan dikenang selama-lamanya. Memang sukar untuk meneriama kenyataan sebenar. Airmata bercucuran dipipi apabila mendengar khabar yang tidak sebaik pada 30 nov 2007. 30 nov 2007 merupakan kejadian buruk yang menimpa pada Khoo Tian Leng. Pada 3 disember 2007 adalah hari terakhir Khoo Tian Leng menghembus nafasnya dan meninggalkan kita. Kerana sayang TUHAN ........aku pasrah akan ketentuannya. Hanya doa pegubat rindu.........

Dari sahabat mu
Mohamad Harris fasli Bin Ahmad (Sarawak)..........................!!!!!

My Darling Tian Leng

hi, im prema rachel. i would like to share a little on my dearest darling tian leng.

we met around september 2005 in subang when he was there and i was doing my nursing course. we would go on a date and he was such a shy guy that he would always bring his frenz along so that they can come up with something to start a conversation. i remembered one of the first was Galvin in mcD's. he was so shy, perspiring to the max, cold and clammy hands. he forced Galvin to start a conversation but i still was more interested in wat he had to say. after some time, when we got closer, he used to come to my condominium ( hostel) , just to chill with me. he had no transport so he always took a cab. we would go for a walk and end up at the park. we used to chill and talk alot!! well i will be talking alot!! when he first kissed me..... he cracked a joke after... saying he is not good at it.. i smiled and said u r doing fine.... hehe :)

after sometime, i got to know his subang frenz aka The BC's and they were all lovely ppl. i was so happy to hang out with them.. we hung out together almost everyday!!

tian leng and me.... and always good times.. we had our ups and downs.... but eventually we will still make up.. and be happy together.... his subang frenz always say we look good together... he would just smile...

slowly he took me to meet his family, and till today i am grateful to know them... they r my second family now... they were there for me all the time... through thick and thin especially his loving mum. his family,from his dad till his younger sister are all so nice ppl.

i remembered once tian leng told me to help hsieh may on an event and we were supposed to wear black pants, but i had only a black skirt...... he saw me and said " DAMN!!! i think the guys will have their tongues out!! I got to make sure im with u!! " he is so funny!!

when we were together we had more arguements rather than sweet moments but when we do have sweet moments its just so unforgettable..... i miss him dearly i miss the times we shared together. just missed being in ur arms and just being cuddled. loved and being ur gal!!

i remembered i asked u once when will u marry me ... u said we have a long way to go... and i just smiled.... and then that night u mesaged me this" go ahead and be angry for my love will never end for you do watever u wantsay watever u like but i will never stop loving you for sure!! "

well i just knew he was a keeper... i told him i was never so serious in any relationships and i took him seriously and that i would bring it as far as possible..... he said " darling the reason why we r together is becoz u tolerate with my behaviour and watever i do.... thats why we r together..." then i said.... i can tolerate cause i understand u and i love u lots... he replied saying " yup, no one understands me better than u!! "

my dearest darling eventhough we only had 2 years 1 month and 20 days together , my count will never stop... i know u r with me ... and i know one sweet day i will meet u at that beautiful shore where u r now ... happily swimming and fishing freely.... without worries... smilling!!! i cant wait till we meet again..... my darling!

i just wanna thank u for the moments and memories we had.. and for ur love!! u are a real loving guy and i was lucky to have known u!!! my dear.....

your rusa, prema rachel :)