I Feel So Sad

i feel so sad...
i feel so weak...
i feel so hurt...
deep within..

five months it has been
yet i felt it was just yesterday
i have a scar in my heart
that forever will stay

tell me its not real
tell me its fake
tell me its a dream
that i'll soon awake

why did that happen?
why did he go??
how can he leave us???
here all alone..

i pray for you to stay
i pray for you to awake
i pray hard day and night
but it seems its all fake!

it feels like i've lost all hopes
i've lost all my dreams
i feel like giving up
cuz without you it all seems unmeaningful

i wanna see you again
feel your warmth,kiss your face
i wanna hug you again,
hear your voice all again

i'm afraid of being alone
for i'll cry like i do often
i don't wanna weep no more
but it seems i can't

Forever i'll be sad
Forever you'll be gone
even if Forever i wish
you'll never come back...

i'll try to be happy..
i'll try to accept ther fact..
but to achieve that..
i hope your guidance to help..

June

I have followed Tien Leng's blog from the beginning and continue to read it every now and then for updates. I had cried with his parents and sisters at his funeral and shared the sorrow of the loss of Tien Leng through this wonderful blog. I asked the Lord why Tian Leng was taken away so cruelly when he was at the prime of his life. Tien Leng was God's gift to us to enjoy for a period of time. We are not to hold tightly what God has blessed us. We enjoyed having him around for 20 short years. He had enriched and spiced up our lives and left us with so many wonderful memories. He had influenced us and made his mark in our lives.God has taken Tien Leng back home to heaven. Those of us who know our Lord Jesus will see him again when our time on this earth is over. We thank our Lord for letting us have Tien Leng while he was on earth. Yes he is having a better time in heaven and probably saying " hey guys, dont worry about me up here, This is heaven, you know, this is heavenly. When your time on earth is up come and join me but not before that. Live out your dreams"

Sheh May asked "How to let go of our pains and sorrows of the loss of Lengleng." Letting go is to tell our Lord Jesus that we do not know how to deal with our pains and loss and to let God take over our lives. I whisper a little prayer for you Sheh May and Jun and all of you in pain that our Lord will heal you all. Letting is to recall all the beautiful memories of Lengleng with a smile and thanking God for Lengleng who shared his life with us.Lengleng is the sun rays which light up our lives, warmed up our hearts gave us his joys and then is gone.Thank you Lord.

Sa Khor
(3rd Aunty)

tian leng...

tian leng...
shima is right!! i dunno how to carry on with ma life!!
i really dont know how to even make a step or take a step....
everything i do.. or everywhere i go.. i see you..
i remember you.. and i can even picture you...
sometimes when i think of you .. its like i can feel you...

i have seen every part.. every single part of you!!
i have seen when u are happy.. the smile,,
i have seen when you are sad... when you cried on my shoulders...
i have seen you when you were high.. drinking so much!!
i have seen you when u are angry!!
i have seen you bare- bodied!! always asking whether your body nice or not???
look like arnold or not??
nice 6 packs or not??
i have seen you sick like hell...
i have seen you shy
i have seen you so nervous ....
and to add to my list ...
i have seen you..... lying still... so still....
bleeding every single part of your body...
seen you looking so different...
not like the macho guy or leng chai i know....
lying so still... so motionless... not like usual... always moving.. up and down...
i saw the hours you were crashing... when u were not stable...
i saw when they inserted the tube into your airway!
i saw when they were touching like every other patient... moving you .. turning you...
i saw how many lines and how many infusions you had,.
i saw the amount of blood transfused..
i saw the wound of your surgery... your 6 pack was gone!!!
i felt how acidic your body was....
but u still smelt the same!!
i kissed u... when u were warm.... and now even when u were stiff and cold!!
i saw the last few mins of your life when you took your last breath..
i was there to see your heart stop slowly.....
i was there to see all your fluids... coming out of your mouth... when u left us...
i was there when the nurses cleaned you up...
i helped you wear your sweater,,,,
i helped you tie your shoe lace...


the list can go on....

tian leng....
i confess... i am not doing to good now... without you in my life...
i have lost the directions to a happy life!
i just need my little compass ...
or a bright light shining so brightly from heaven... to guide me
or an angel who loves me... to protect me...
tian leng... i wonder why you?? not me...
cause.. if its me... pd would not have changed...
your frenz will have you...
your family will have you...
your genting frenz... will be happy again...
kwek will be funny again...
plakas will shuffle like mad like in malacca
wai seng will still have a brother... and partner in crime
they will have you and you have them...
and my departure wouldnt be sad.. or heart breaking....
things would be fine....

why??? why you my dear tian leng..... why.....

Things are Never the Same Without You

Jack,

things are never the same without u around. ppl say time heals, i really want to believe that. but in this case, it's just not the same. every now and then when i come across people or things that remind me of you, i still hold on tightly to my self denial that you are still around. help me overcome my fear jack, help me overcome my denial. help me overcome my fears of returning home to malaysia. because i am still after all these months, not ready to face your departure.

i miss you.

kwek

WHERE ARE YOU ?

Where are you?

Everytime, I read this blog dedicated for u, my eyes will surely turn red. No matter how many times I read it, its just like I cant believe it. It’s a blog for someone who is no longer with us. I miss having u sms-ing and ask me how am I doing..telling me that we have and we should meet up whenever u r down in Shah Alam or KL. Once, he was in Shah Alam, but I was back in PD. Aiyoh.

Tian leng, you were the one who always tell me that I deserve to be happy and I deserve a good man who can take a good care of me. Whenever I tell u bout the jerks around me, treating me like shit, u will always say ‘ what the F**K are u doing with this assholes? U don’t deserve to be treated like this la. Feel like beating them up la’. You always tell me that u’ll hook me up with this guy la, that guy la..he said it was some ‘good guy who can take care of u’. (as if I was THAT desprate, but I knew, he was caring for me and he wants me to get the best). Now tian leng, I have found some one who takes a good care of me, treat me good..i’ve always wanted u to meet him.. but both of us were busy..whenever I ask u ‘werayu?’ u’ll be at ur college. Well,we both we stuck with our studies. Now, u can never meet him, and ‘him’ can never dpt to see you and see y u r such a great friend of mine that I always to him about. Guess that u cant see how happy I am now..but my happiness has lessen since the day u were gone.

That morning, I woke up with an SMS from Charmaine, saying “ Shim, Tian leng has just past away”. I broke into tears as I was planning to visit u that every morning. I was too late. Wanted to visit u the day before, but I got no transport ( as usual). Talking bout transport, Tian Leng will never hesistate to fetch me up for some roti canai whenevr im back in PD. Eventhough, back then, I lived in Spring Hill, which was about 20-30minutes drive from PD town. But he always ask for an upah when he reaches my house – AIR MINERAL. Heh. Cute. At times, he doesn’t need to mention it, I just knew it. We always hang out just the two of us, talking bout life in college, relationships, movies, everything. He never complains bout how far my house was, just he usually complains bout the lacking of lamp post in my area. Heh,penakut juga this fella. J

I’m sorry that I didn’t visit u either at the hospital or during the memorial service. Had some difficulties back then, just cant get away with it. In some say, I was a bit glad that I didn’t go..because if I did went, I think I can never let those images of u laying down in a comma, seeing u in a coffin, that will just broke me down and killing me slowly inside. I’m a very emotional and weak person when come to these kind of things. I really respect PREMA for being such a strong person. If I were prema… I cant imagine.

Tian leng. I’m writing this with tears flowing out from my eyes. At times, I just cant believe that u are not here with us anymore. I would tell myself, that “Tian Leng study oversea, I cant be reached” just to make myself feel better. Yeah. ‘oversea’. It is soo over the sea, till no one can reach u. ~sigh~

I still have the photos of u, baring at my katil as if its urs. It was cute and agak lucah, the way u posed. J it makes me smile whenever I look at it. U always brings a smile on everyone’s face. Who doesn’t smile when they see ur face?

Tian Leng. My Andy Lau.

“ Engkau datang seperti cahaya.Cahaya yang menerangi kehidupan semua..”

• From the movie Ayat-Ayat Cinta

I miss that cahaya. I miss you.

Shima.

FRIENDS

It has been 5 months 18 hours n 7 minutes since u left us all behind. Im missin u dearly jack.
I've always regreted for not takin enough pictures of us together esp when we were on a trip. Now all u left me is juz memories tat will fade through time. I cant even remember ur voice anymore jack. How i wished I've all the videos n pictures of us doin stupid shit together so tat i can laugh back at how silly we were. I appreciate tat i was given a chance to know u and being 1 of ur best fren in ur life. I just hated it when I think back of the places we went and came back without a single piece of photo to look at. Maybe we were young and naive and don really care much about pictures but now i u'stand wat it's worth. Just wish tat i had more pictures of us to look back at our short and wonderful frenship.

After so long, I finally realize tat ur not 1 of us. Ur not normal human beings with normal mission in hand. Mayb...juz mayb ur an angel sent down to light up the life of others. No matter who ur with...u alwiz make them feel comfortable when ur around. There are something different about u. Ur best frens to many many people.
I've just finished readin all the testi u've got after ur gone. Y do we say the things we wana say when it's over? Y cant we say those things more often when they're still around us? When was the last time u tell sum 1 tat u care for them? esp frens. When was the last time u hear sum 1 tells u tat ur the best fren they ever had? or hav u ever recieve those compliments?

U were best frens to more than 30 people in ur life. whom of them do u consider ur best fren ever jack? guess i can never answer tat for u. During ur funeral..I was ur best fren cuz tat's wat they all been sayin cuz we were frens since primary. Yet does tat really count for u? To me...ur 1 of my many many best frens but ur rite there on top. Top of the list! Many has put u on the top of their list. Kwek...bala...dale...tai..

.feri...inder..ashwin...rajiv...galvin...allan...juz to name a few. U r the best fren for all of us n u alwiz know how to make us laugh. It's really amazing doesn't it? For a man who doesn't speak much in the public, can have so many best frens frm different background is something we need to learn from him.

Ur such a great fren and we were such a team together aren't we? Many accused we're gay cuz we were so close even ur gf jealous of us. Many have asked are we brothers cuz we're the brown chinese which u taught me tat it is called chigga.(indicatin chinese+nigga) We've learnt so much from each other. ur not only my fren...ur my bro. i know i never told u all these before...but u r the best fren i ever got. Thanks for being part of ur life. I'll live to tell the stories abt u.

I'll see u when im done here. Bless me from above. I'll update u every now and then Tian Long.

WWS